Sunday, July 18, 2010

Some Funnies

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day" 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more, without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!

Give it Up
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over. The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. 'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated. 'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my grandson sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.' The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?' The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.' The pastor was amazed. 'Your grandson is very successful; what does he do for a living?' 'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?' The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

A woman stuck her head into a hair salon and asked, "How long before I can get a wash & curl?' The beautician looked around the salon full of customers and said, "about 2 hours.' The woman left. A few days later, the same woman stuck her head in the door and asked, ' how long before I can get a wash & curl?' The beautician looked around at the salon andsaid,"about 3 hours.' The woman left. A week later, the same woman stuck her head in the salon and asked, ' How long before I can get a wash & curl?' The beautician looked around the salon and said, "about a hour and a half.' The woman left. The beautician turned to her girlfriend and said, "Hey Juanita, do me a favor. Follow that woman and see where she goes. She keeps asking how long she has to wait for a wash & curl, but then she doesn't ever come back.'A little while later, Juanita returned to the salon, laughing hysterically. The beautician asked, 'So, where does that woman go when she leaves?'

Juanita looked up, wiped the tears from her eyes and said, 'Your man's house!'

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

The Maid asked for a raise. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?" Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. Thefirst is that I iron better than you." Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?" Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did." SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

Three little ducks go into a Bar... 'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?' 'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'

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