Friday, July 17, 2009

... And The Girl With The Perfect Booty!

Here are six key people in your life you need to get to know:

1. The checkout clerks who work at your local market
2. The person who serves you coffee every day
3. The person who works the counter at your dry cleaners
4. The person who makes your sandwich at lunch
5. The host at the local restaurant where you eat regularly
6. Your bartender at your favorite bar ... it might be me!

Let's Ride!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Three More Funnies

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back
Into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks. He asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black
Panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black
Condom .
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I Want to offer my deepest condolences.'

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not; a cock is ten inches long and black!!!"
Pub Stakeout
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?" To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Simply Gorgeous

Friday, July 10, 2009

What Would He Have Done If He Found Her With Me?

Master Card Wedding You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it. (When people watched him)
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned to his bride & said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, 'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people would have canceled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride' s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a Master Card 'PRICELESS'commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000... Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000...
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommod ations in Maui: $8,500...
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man: Priceless...

Thank You Very Much

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although Cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big` brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send an e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day

Oh, by the way… A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their blogs with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Just Perfect

So True .. So True

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. - Hilary Cooper
George Carlin said it. Hilary Cooper USED it.
Usually it shows up as "Anonymous", but I have occasionally seen Hilary Cooper given credit for the quote.

Does It Snow in Jamaica?