More Funnies

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:'To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset – I shall be home before midnight.'When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:'My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.'Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

Turn Off the Lights
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?" The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!" The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. "What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

A world convention of brewers was held in Amsterdam. The presidents of the world's greatest breweries were on hand. As usual, a convention dinner brought them together on the first evening. When asked what they would like to drink, the CEO of Miller said, "A Miller Lite, please." The president of Anheuser Busch said, "I'll have a Michelob." Adolph Coors requested a Coors. And so it went, around the long table, each president requesting a brew from his own company. Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you, sir?" he queried. "I'll have a coke," was Guinness's reply. The waiter was shocked. "A COKE?!? Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, then gestured at his companions. "If they're not drinking beer, then neither am I.".